After reading my entire page, you might ask yourself how in the hell do I come up with all this stuff? The answer is simple. Most of it is true so it isn’t difficult to enter it on my page. I see and hear the same things you see and hear, I ‘look’ at every single thing differently. Everything. It’s just that simple. I have learned to expect the unexpected, my thoughts, my speech and writings reflect that. Before I can finish writing one paragraph, I already know what I’m going to write in the next one. I have no idea how I come up with any of the things I say and do; they just pop in my mind and just as quickly, they pop out of my mouth.
Here are just a few examples of that quick twisted wit and that big mouth of mine:
Even drunk, I don’t miss a lick. I was at the Melody Ranch bar near Horizon Blvd. in El Paso, Texas years ago and not only did I get shit faced drunk, I proceeded to get just as sick. As I felt the mixture of beer and liquor making it’s way back up, I headed for the front door because it was closer than the restroom was. Just as I opened the front door so I could turn my head to the side of the building and just let ‘er rip, an older woman dressed for a night on the town was standing there right in my way. Having already begun to look like a ‘pucker fish’ with my cheeks bowled out, with no control over the situation, I puked all down the front of her jacket. I looked up at her face, then down at the mess I had made of her, then looked her dead in the face again as she was trying to catch her breath, and said ‘Lady, you make me f**kin’ sick’; and then staggered over to my truck next door at the truck stop and went to sleep.
Another time when I was in my early twenties (20’s), I was getting ready to leave a drinking establishment (I like to use those $2.00 words every now and then) along the Red River Valley in Oklahoma and wanted to show off for the ladies. Instead of pushing the door open, I was going to draw back, hit it and knock it open with my fist. Again drunk; just as I swung one hell of a big man opened the door and walked right into the best ‘right’ that I have ever delivered. Hitting him square on the jaw, I knocked him out cold. Holy Shit! Looking down at him as I was walking away to leave, I said ‘don’t you ever get in my way again’, and left before he had a chance to come to.
We would see signs along the road advertising ‘boiled peanuts’ at a roadside vegetable stand 1 mile ahead; She: I wonder how they cost? Me: If you have to ask how much something costs, you can’t afford it?
A state trooper has a tractor-trailer pulled over in the emergency lane; She: I wonder what he did to get stopped? Me: I’m sure that he’s getting a ticket for something he didn’t do. She: What? Why would that trooper give him a ticket for something that he didn’t do? Me: He ‘didn’t’ see the cop and he ‘didn’t’ slow down. The driver is getting a ticket for some thing he didn’t do.
As we get closer, we see that the trooper is searching the inside of the truck. She: Wonder what he’s looking for? Me: The trooper’s wife lost the set out of her wedding ring. She: What? Me: Never mind.
Miles and hours later as we’re riding along, I reach over and put my hand inside her bra and start fondling her breasts. She: For God’s sake, what would some one think if they saw you doing that? Show me some respect. Me: I’m sorry, I would never intentionally disrespect you like that but I’m tired and along with the sun in my eyes; there for a moment I thought that you were your sister.
We’re riding in silence except for the truck’s stereo system and CB radio because you’re still mad at me for mistaking you for your sister. She: I didn’t know females had a ‘yet’. Me: What? What the hell are you talking about? She: Didn’t you just hear the news on the radio? A man caught his wife in bed with his boss, shot her one time at point blank range, she was rushed to the hospital in critical but stable condition but since she is expected to fully recover the doctors don’t see the need to remove the bullet from her ‘yet’. Me: (eyes rolling) Yep, she’s one tough lady, must be a ‘blonde’ like you.
We go shopping for clothes, she buys 7 pair of panties; Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…... She asks me if I need anything while we’re here, yep but I’m not a ‘monkey see, monkey do’, and I’m not going to be out done by her either, so I buy 12 pair of boxers; January, February, March, April……
film at 11 in HDTV 
